I remember the day and the hour the truth of your betrayal hit me. I couldn't breathe. Paralysis settled in. I couldn't do anything but stand there as her innocent words pierced my heart, feeling the shock from them working their way through all levels of my being. There was no blanket of comfort placed around my shoulders, no warmth to deal with the hard, cold shock of truth.
And then....the pain. Too much of it. I felt literally stricken by an all consuming grief as memory, image upon image collided together, reaching as far back as I could see. Finally. Finally it all made sense. But in sharp contrast, I suddenly longed for the blessing of ignorance. This Sun of Truth was too bright, with no shadows to hide in, with its light of understanding searing my flesh, right down to the marrow of bone. It...hurt too damn much.. I thought I would die from it.
Yesterday....the last little bit of shock wore off....and my voice was found again, bringing my feet to hit the solid ground, and the last of those deep, deep unshed tears finally bringing the relief with the raining.
My young daughter sat there weeping, so confused over the lies you'd been feeding her, the doom you laid out for her future with me. How could you speak of your own daughter that way to her daughter, your granddaughter? Why would you want to create such a division in her heart regarding me? Why would you bring such pain and confusion to one so young and innocent? What kind of jealous spirit had hold of you? Why were you in competition with me? I couldn't understand....my mind couldn't wrap around it.
I'll not ever forget her face, nor her fear that I would confront you. She was so young and tender. I never said a word. I lifted that burden from her shoulders and I've carried it in silence for all these years. I remember finally saying to her, "Baby, I'll be right back. I need to go outside and get some air for a few minutes. You aren't in trouble. I love you, and I thank you for telling me what's been going on with you." I went outside and called on my Helpers for Wisdom, and for self control, for within me a war was now being waged. The love in my heart for my daughter won...
I went back inside, wrapped her in my arms, and made her a promise. Promises didn't come easy from me, for I knew how Life worked in impersonal, unpredictable, and unforeseen ways to get in the way of them. If I gave a promise, my word, it meant I would do all within my power to uphold and fulfill it. My word meant something to me, and carried weight and depth. They weren't something to be treated cheaply.
I gave her my word I would not discuss any of this with her grandma. I would not confront her. And then, because I knew of her love for you, I explained in as simple and truthful terms as I could muster for her young mind, without casting even a hint of blame, that her grandma was mistaken. To see the relief on her face...to see our relationship set right in her mind and heart, to see her reach out for an embrace...to bridge the gap created by my own mother...was worth the weight of the burden of truth I now chose to carry in silence. She went off to bed in peace, her world set right. I drove myself out to the mountains and screamed at the sky until my voice was hoarse, with my world and heart now shattered.
Not even years later, when you finally admitted you had been jealous of me since I was a child, did the truth coming out of your mouth touch the deep pain from your betrayal. I had felt responsible for your misery my entire life with you. I had felt that any joy I experienced in Life was the cause of your pain. How could I enjoy life if it meant you were left behind? How could I enjoy living if it meant you were still suffering? I didn't know then that you refused to receive, and didn't even see your own good. Nothing was ever enough.
No more. You would not drag me or mine into the muck of your misery and self pity any_more.
Yesterday, talking with you...with you once again making excuses, justifying your horrid behavior over the years, the abuse you had heaped onto me, screaming at me, your venom shooting out...and not ever once owning it...all that, I could and did handle. But your grave mistake was to bring my daughter, your granddaughter!, into it. A child who was innocent and never, ever should have been brought and used between us. The waters raging between you and me should have remained between you and me. But you thought to reel everyone in to your *side*- a side I could never understand until that night long ago - and I let you, keeping my mouth shut, because I gave my word that I would. Not once did I rise to defend myself. There is nothing to defend when we have the truth.
And I have now proved false those lies you once told to your granddaughter. I think it was that, more than anything, that hit me yesterday, and with it, I can finally find release from this binding curse that has plagued our family line for far too long.
The Wisdom I was given from my Helpers that night is this: The truth reveals *itself* in time. No words then were needed, and still aren't. Simply living it is enough.
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